The ironic thing about my Dad sending me to the doctor's to get my cough (heavy cough at that) checked was not really for me to get better.

Because of my cough, my parents couldn't sleep at night. Hah. Get me to the doctor's to shut me up, thanks Dad. Hah.

Dad sent me to an old family doctor that I have not visit since I was in primary school So much so my name was no longer in their database. It was the same doctor that my late grandfather would always go for consultation.

Whenever I visited Eunos, I'd get a series of memories flashing right through my eyes.

There's a whole list, trust me.

But whatever it maybe, it's always something close to my heart. While I was talking to the clerk, she called out a name. I swear, it's one of those "ah-ha" moments that you really can't forget.

"Haji Sulaiman", she called out.

At that moment, i felt so scared if it was my grandfather but at the same time, I wanted it to be him.

When i turned around, it wasn't him.

I was sad, like instantenously. I felt like I was a child, hoping his late grandfather would just appear out of nowhere. I was close to tears. Regardless, I snapped out of it and went in to see Dr. Tahir.

It's been ages. Doctor got older, and he looks frail, far from what he used to be last time. If I could recall, he was fit and energized all the time. He's still fit for his age, but he moved a little bit slower.

Thinking about it now, it hit me.

I'm so young, freshly nineteen. I'm still so weak and doing so little fruitful things in my life. I need a change from the mundane.

I need a life, to be honest. If a doctor can live his childhood dreams to help people, why can't I live my dreams too?

Whatever it may be, I don't want to do something with my life that I don't want. I want to be happy. I want everyone I love to be happy.

Oh well, I have to work hard. Only time will tell.

As reported on Twitter (follow me) Dr. Tahir was superfast. He gave me cough syrup, anti-biotics and pills for my phlegm. I swear, I'm thankful that there's no paracentamol (panadol, for short).

Labels: Deep Thoughts, Family, Health, Personal

Interestingly enough, today I shared a conversation with a friend about soccer. Most notably how Arsenal rules over Manchester, but that's besides the point.

He said something so epic that I have to share it.

"My dad swore that he saw a birthmark of Man U's logo on my arm when I was born."

I laughed like mad. It was obvious that he is a huge fan of Man U, but what was the reason why?

They played good? They have an awesome history? They have great players? They're rich? He gave me all the reasons but then I thought, was there a deeper reason? Perhaps there is.

Their fathers. Notably, most guys (or people in general) support a specific football club (or any team for that matter) mainly because of their fathers. I could relate how excited my Dad was watching an Arsenal (YEAH!) match and I remembered we bonded.

Now, I'm the LAST person you want to talk about soccer to, but I guess that's where my likeness for soccer (or even Arsenal) came from. My Dad. Bragging about Samir Nasri or Thierry Henry (who left for Barcelona) as if they were his own sons.

But with that, my Dad talking about them, I felt more connected to him. Like a whole side of him opened. A passionate side (other than the passion for my Mum, EWW but sweet) for soccer and that's where I learned more about him.

I even bought him an advanced birthday gift - an Arsenal 2009 calendar last year.

Some people support a team because of a choice, a valid one. But supporting a team because it was something passed down from his/her father, I think, is solidly awesome, it's special.

So the next time you poke fun of someone who supports Manchester United, think. Is he supporting by choice or is it something special that a boy shares with his father.

(If its the former, please continue to poke fun)

Now remember, I'm not the best person to talk to about soccer, but the only reason why Arsenal got that position was that they know that they're the best. They're giving Man U time to shine. If not, explain the Liverpool match, 4-1, ON HOME GROUND. How can you even lose that?

Kthx. Bye.

Labels: Family, Soccer, Zzzports

I thought my birthday would be a big bomb (the bad kind) but it turned out to be a big bomb (the good kind!) I was dubbed Birthday Boss today. My day has been a good one. A weird, but good one. A true whirlwind of events came by and I just took everything in one step at a time.

The day for me started early, 3 am to be exact, working on my presentations. I swear I thought I was fecked because most of the things I couldn't get myself done. (Oh yes, I had two.)

Initially I felt incompetent for my Communications (CMSK3) presentation because I couldn't get myself in the zone especially after seeing Jotham giving such a relaxed and casual yet serious oral presentation.

When it was my turn I gave it my all and I ended up enjoying my time talking in front of the class. Not bad ah!

Then when CMSK3 was over, we head on over to a lecture hall for our Multimedia Project (MMP1) presentation and my guts were tied up in a knot. I could only hoped waking up at 3 am worked. HAH.

In my new shoes, shirt and tie, a little bit of an old blazer with the same old pants, I felt so confident giving my speech about my project and I felt I nailed it. I loved the look on my classmates and I felt like I finally did the right thing.

HAHA. (Videos will be availiable soon)

Bo, Sarah and Michelle bought me a cake to share with the classmates and I felt so loved! But gusss what as I was gonna blow the candles?

SARAH TRIPPED ON THE STAIRS AND SHE DID A 36o DEGREES! I was so scared for my girl! I ran up to her and thankfully she was okay.


Let's play a game. Who is the lecturer?
(if you know the answer, don't spoil it!)

WOW and that was just in the morning. At night was so much more amazing with well time spent with my family. I'll blog about that later. I'm tired and I need rest from all these celebrations I swear.

From those that were on Facebook, Steph, Irma, Hasri, Syaherah, Nicholas, Adda, Zara, Ismail, Jason (LOL thanks for the Dc3Forever.net dedication), Ili, Abigail, Zara, NUR! (:D:D), Jia Yi (MISS YOU GIRL!) and Zhong Hao not forgetting Timothy, Tian Seng and Rachael thank you so much! (and the many others whose wishes are coming in still!)

Thank you even more to those who sparred a thought and SMS'ed me, waiting up till after midnight. Gosh, I feel loved. HAHA. Thanks Luqman :), Amirul, Aini, Danish, Hazimah, Fariza, Presley (my bro for life? HAHHA), My BBFF :D:D Hairul, Jaye, Joakhim, Farah, Nuruddin, Nadiah, Haiqal (HAHA MUST GO OUT) and Adan, Sargent Tho Zhee Long and many more. Love you guys.

Thanks for the quick song, Hairul. I loved it. And Luqman, think of it this way. You'll always be younger than me. :( And Dom... Thanks for the message. You too are my best friend.

Thanks Presley and Hamid for yesterday's bowling session, and Amber, nice seeing you brother. Its been a while laa!

I can't wait for Wednesday! Day out with Dom! Then Hairul. Then a few weeks later with Amirul and the gang! And then with Joakhim and Zhee Loong! AHHH!

I swear my birthday is always the best (in my mind at least.)

Thanks loves, and thanks to my family too! :D

Labels: Birthdays, Family, Friends, Personal, Videos

Labels: Birthdays, Family, Personal

Yesterday, the faucet of my shower broke. I called Dad and he said he would fix it so he bought a new faucet to install and replace the old rusty one. I kinda like the design and I can't wait till he actually installs it. He said something really interesting though.

"Tomorrow I'm gonna teach you how to install it."

I asked myself why would he want to impart a lesson like that to his son - who apparently has no interest in such activities. I left the room saying, "it's okay. I don't want to be a plumber."

No disrespect though. Plumbers, when my pipes has a leakage, I'll call you guys up. But I digress...

Anyway, Dad has always wanted me to be some sort of a handyman, a man who can handle equipment. (Oh his son knows how to handle equipments well. MUAHAHAHA.) He always tells me, "you should learn to fix the wiring," "you should learn how to use the drill!", "fix the cupboard door!"

All these comments and more were thrown at me. (And by the way, I know how to drill, okay. Shxt is heavy like hell.)

Then I thought, maybe its time I should help out in the house more. But then I thought about it again, maybe Dad's too lazy to do everything, counting that his son earned the procrastination genes from him.

And then I thought to myself again, perhaps Dad still has the traditional mindset that a man should know how to fix everything in the house. Well, my father is a traditional man. He still thinks he's talking in his normal voice when he's screaming at me. But I digress once more...

To be honest, I can't be arsed[1] to study all these fixing skills and craptastical wonders of the screwdrivers and plyers mainly because if I had even the slightest interest, it would be because I bought DIY products from Ikea.

When the pipe broke years ago, I called the plumber. Heck, Dad called the plumber too. So why can't we call the plumber this time?

It is when I'm in the edge of eighteen, Dad realised (surprisingly because he never remember my age) that I'm a man now. And I should do what men do.

Fix things. But I can only fix one thing and that's a meal.

Then again, I thought to myself (well, just a second ago laa) that learning all these skills might be useful for me. I can't stand around and whine just because I don't want to do something. I must learn how to fix things myself.

Fix it till it works, that has always been my motto (or some shxt like that).

And when it all fails, it is only then we call the plumber.

But to be honest, I'd rather call the plumber and watch him install the new faucet then have my dad teach me. The last time he tried to fix the faucet, the toilet flooded to our ankles.

Hairul and I studied/hung out around Esplanade-Haji Lane-Beach Road. Damn, its been a long time since I sheesha-ed.


for more of these fake lomo shots, click here.

[1] thanks Luq, I'm addicted to that stupid word. HAH.
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Now playing: Katy Perry - Simple
via FoxyTunes

Labels: Family, Personal

And the year before.

Hari Raya Aidiladha (or simply called Haji,) was celebrated today. The day talked about sacrifice. During the sermon in the morning at the Mosque, the Imam asked, "what have you sacrificed?

Personally for me, I think I sacrificed a lot of my time for people. That I really love. I think this year was the year I think I spent my time the most with people that I really care for rather than trying to accomplish something for myself.

Somehow, sacrifice can't be easy, with daily struggles, both huge and small, we begin to wonder.

Are the things I'm sacrificing for, worth it? My time, my energy...?

Well, to each his own, but what I can say is that when you are going to sacrifice something, be it time, money, energy, etcetera, do it with a positive attitude, hopefully the result will be awesome for you.

Last year, I sacrificed my pride. I opened up to my friends in hopes of bridging gaps between us, to make a stronger bond, let's face it. My best friends, HAZARD is over. When I sacrificed so much for them, believe me, time and money was no issue. They were one of my priorities.

But when it backfired on me, when some members began spreading and twisting my words, what was I supposed to do?

Hide?

Initially that was my idea... But I told myself, I can't hide. I can't. I kept a positive attitude, hopefully things would blow over, and to a certain extent it did. I sacrificed so much to show that I wasn't afraid, to believe in myself that I would be okay.

Indeed, I was, okay.

Even though initially the sacrifice of my pride didn't turn out well for me, that sacrifice eventually became a blessing for me.

The whole event, the whole issue of backstabbing became a sieve of who were my true friends, and who were the idiots that was there to just ruin everything I had.

Keeping a positive attitude through out any situation will eventually be awesome for you. Don't blame anyone for your mishaps. You'll start moaning, digressing and eventually doing nothing about it.

Instead, fix it. Fix it till everything is in your favour, when things are awry.

I learnt a lot the past year. There's a reason why I don't open up so much, eventually DONT-CHA becomes slightly boring, but its because I have to be smarter about who I open up to, and who I totally shun in the attempt of staying away from shitheads.

Either way, out of every obstacle is a lesson.


Comment question: What have you sacrificed this year, and what did you learn from it? Hmmm...

BTW I know I was vague on the whole HAZARD thing. Irony of it is, we used to be a really tight group of friends. I don't really care about what happened but it really was a good learning experience. :D I'm grown up now and I can think what's good for me.



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Now playing: Beyoncé - Ego
via FoxyTunes

Labels: Deep Thoughts, Family, Personal, Religion

Labels: DONT-CHA Docu, Family, Special Occasions

Labels: Family, Special Occasions

Labels: Family

Yeah, today was the first day of Ramadan, and quite surprisingly, I made it thorough without any difficulty. I didn't feel any type of hunger or thirst. Well, I've sort of prepared myself for it, so I'm alright. I ate two meals a day prior to today and I kinda got used to it and made sure the night before I'd drink plenty of water.

The thing that really made me treasure today was that the whole family had dinner together and no one was absent. I guess after spending nights alone, I appreciate the whole family coming together to break the first night of fast together.

I'm on a new project, launching a new website and even though I think I'm underpaid, I still think I should give it my best because I will be putting my label on it, so why not right? I just hope my clients give me a bonus *hints and prays hard*

And as the poll suggests, the winner is for sure Luqman, but he insisted that the award be snowballed to someone else, and updates has shown the winner is ME! Snowball it on over, and the winner is Michelle's BeingZul.com.

She will get her Blogger/Friendster skin, though I hope she chooses the latter. Anyway, I will however not get PaperChase.com/.net/.org because its not availiable. Luqman has advised me not to buy one at all.

Though TheDevil and NineProfusion is so tempting. Though after days of carefully considering the name of my portfolio website will be, I decided it will be...


It has quite a meaning to it too and I really like it. More on this when the website launches.

Alright everyone! Those who are fasting, all the best, those who aren't, don't eat in front of us!

Comment questions!
1) Why do you think of NineProfusion?
2) What do you think of Luqman snowballing his prize away?
3) When was the last time you had dinner with the whole family?
4) Should I do more even though I think I charge little (for the website assignment)? What do you think?

Labels: Family, Personal, Religion, Site Updates, Work

I feel ________ up right now. I kinda wasted the whole day just wasting myself. I played soccer in them morning with Amber, Presley and Hamid but other than that, that's about the only movement I made today.

Wasted Sunday. I didn't even study. And I have a stupid CMATS test tomorrow.

I'm sorry. It's just that I think my blood pressure is through the roof. I cant think of anything that can possibly calm me down except a phone call from anyone that is there to listen to me rant. I feel sick just typing.

Enough with that attitude, Zul.

About a week ago, Mum told me that Atuk visited her late at night, thrice. She coud tell from the sudden hospital smell that was engulfing her bedroom. I wondered why he never visited me too but as I remembered, the spirit of the loved one will visit you in the 40 days of his death.

So I was patient, in a way.

Last night, he visited me twice in my dreams.

First was after going out with Amber and Monica, we decided to stop by his house (a reminiscent of two weeks ago) and I tried to pray for him but I couldn't concentrate and I ended up doing it wrong and then majorly broke down.

Then there was something behind me telling me, "it's okay. Time for you to go home now."

When I left the room to see the two of them in the living room, they said, "your dad called. He wants you home now." (Yeah, it was so called 12 midnight at that time)

So the next day, I went out with Amber, Hamid and Pres but they were somewhere and I decided to sneak away for awhile. Then I passed by this Indian festival and I was thinking of Tarot cards. This part was rather weird, so I'll skip (but for those who wanna know, ask me personally).

I then visited his old house, to prepare for his burial and I was confused to whether he really passed or not. Wak Anah answered me, "He's gone, Mamat."

"Oh... Okay," somehow I was still in disbelief.

So I sat down with one of my cousins and we were doing the same thing and all of a sudden, Atuk was there, next to Wak Anah and he asked me, "why are both of you doing that at the same time?"

"Why, Atuk?"

"One of you go pray first laa!"

"Oh, alright, I'll go first."

Wak Anah saw me speak, "Mamat, who are you talking to?"

"Atuk, he's right there," I replied.

*blockquote is within my dreams/sleep.

Instantly, I woke up, crying my eyes out. It was only then I realised how much I missed him. I swear it took me like 5 - 10 minutes to pull myself together. I think he was giving me a sign to start praying more often.

I got a hold of myself and got ready to leave for soccer.

I knew he was there in the room watching over me. It's still within the 40 days of his death, so I guess he's still visiting his children and grandchildren.

Comment questions of the day:
1) Have anything like this happened to you, to actually be visited by a family member that just passed?
2) What was your weirdest dream?
3) Have you ever wasted yourself so much, you felt stupid? When & why?



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Now playing: Michelle Williams - The Greatest
via FoxyTunes

Labels: Family, Personal

I'll miss Faiz. It's his last day in Singapore as he left for Hanoi! He'll be gone for two months! :( That's just sad laa. When we were sending him off at the airport, I felt like tearing up. It wasn't really because he was leaving, but it was because he had to bid goodbye to his parents.

And putting myself in his shoes for a while, I can't bare to leave my parents for a week. LOL. I'm taken care of like that. HAHA.

After bidding of last goodbye, (lol, overdramatic much?) Aini and I headed straight to T3. She has never been there and since I worked there, I decided to be her guide.

However, it seems that the new hotel at the airport has opened. The Crowne Plaza! We decided to take the opportunity to sneak in and camwhore there! Oh, it was fruitful!


After that last shot, we decided to jump on the train as Aini decided to go back home while I went to the movies with my BBFF, Hairul :D. No pictures for this outing but trust me, you would love to read this. I'm sure.

So after Aini left train on Eunos, there was this Chinese guy with his fag hag (or something) that sat opposite me. He was actually on the same train as us when we were at Changi Airport. When I was alone, it might be my defence mechanism telling me that he was talking about me.

I know! I thought I had self-esteem issues to just anyhow assume people are talking about me, but this one guaranteed, rest assured he was talking about me.

I had no idea what exactly he was talking about but he started making some actions and shxt like that and started laughing out loud (LOL) hysterically. Like for real, hysterically. Like maniacally like the Joker, but that's besides the point.

So I took out the phone and called Aini. "Girl, teach me some phrases in Chinese." I followed suit and it seemed that the guy was about to stop, but no. He was imitating me using the phone.

"Okay. I know for sure now, Aini. Teach me, "there are two Chinese idiots in front of me!"" And I followed suit. I was loud and fluent (surprisingly) and he still didn't stop. So I was left to brush the dirt off my shoulders.

When I got off at City Hall, he got off too! He started saying, "Si gemuk! Si gemuk!" which literally means "that fat guy". I was thinking he came out of nowhere and to judge me like that. So I just said,


He paused for a while. I think he was trying to call for a come back, but failed and continue chanting, "si gemuk!" I just walked away knowing he wasn't that bright and concluded he was retarded.

So I finally met my BBFF! I was so happy laa, it was quite sometime before our last meeting and we caught up with a lot of the things we missed since we're in different polytechnics and all. As we reached Marina Square, I told him about that idiot earlier on. Guess what?

That idiot was right in front of me. He saw me and started mocking me again. I was pissed, naturally not because of what he was calling me, but I wanted to know what his problem. Believe me when I say (and Hairul is my witness), I went up to him.

Zul: Eh, come here. I wanna talk to you.
Chinese Idiot: What!
Z: What's your problem?
CI: You started it what, ahh, say got what? Two chinese idiot in front of you? You think I don't undestand?
Z: Duh, that was meant for you to understand. But you started it what! You think you speak Chinese I can't understand issit?!
By this time, his reply was a sure indication that he started it.
CI: Err... Err... So what! My mouth, my problem laa! My mouth so sweet, so what!
Stupid, I know.
Z: And...? You better be responsible with your mouth
As in he might hurt others feelings, but no, he took it the wrong way.
CI: What?! You wanna fight is it!?
He came up close to my face and I swear his nose was 2cm from my eyes and he was breathing on my face. Not something I would imagine, but hey, I was thankful he didn't have bad breath.
Z: No, I'm not here to fight but you look stupid. That's good enough.

(Dialogues are a bit sketchy, but I swear on Hairul it happened!)

I walked away, knowing that I owned him. HAH! Then he was still dancing quite a distance from me, in an attempt to mock me. I screamed, "Someone looks like an idiot dancing in the middle of a shopping mall."

He was persistent eh! He ran nearer to us and started saying something. I said, "look, you have self-esteem issues!" And he literally just stood there blank. Either it was true that he had self-esteem issues or that he was too stupid to understand. HAH!

So finally, Hairul and I got our tickets to watch Get Smart. There was a smart alec counter girl. When Hairul and I arrived at the counter, she said, "would you like the couple seat?" I was taken aback by that comment because first of all, you don't mess with me and my best friend, and secondly, I could have easily complained to her manager about that comment.

We decided to just "laugh it off" and said, "SIAL ARH YOU!" to her face. That was good enough. When we walked away from the counter, we started bxtching about her. HAHA.

I payed for everything considering... Well, I asked Hairul out. I didn't mind though. It was my best friend anyway and I'm sure *hinthint* that he would (Hairul, pay attention for the following captial-ed and bolded words) PAY FOR ME TOO.

Get Smart was such an awesome movie. A litte bit of slapstick comedy but it was real. As in the emotions that go through in the movie and that not everyone can be trusted no matter how nice they might be. Ahh, I shall review that movie someday, I hope. (You know that I've been rather mehh at doing movie reviews)

It was such awesome time spent with my best friends, Aini and Hairul. Ahh au revoir, Faiz! Take care!

After parting ways with Hairul, I headed to Atuk's house as there were a prayer session for him and my late grandmother too. We also celebrated some birthdays while we were there. How sweet :)

If let Atuk (or in fact any relative) stop me from living my life, he (they) would think he (they) was (were) a burden to me. I learned to be strong and move on.

Believe me when I say I'm fine, can? :D



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Now playing: Britney Spears - Break The Ice
via FoxyTunes
Note: this entry is posted on Saturday, 5 July 2008. Anything that has happened on this post happened on Thursday, 3 July 2008, date is for archiving purposes only.

Labels: Family, Personal

They say at funerals everyone cries because they just lost their loved ones. They say at funerals everyone sits around and prays. Today's funeral session wasn't any different.

It was the aftermath of the funeral that was the highlight of the day. No one was sad. Everyone had positive thoughts and everyone gelled together like a family like the good old days. That to me, was really the best thing that ever happened on such a sad occasion.

Last night at approximately 9.13pm, my grandfater, Sulaiman Bin Taib was announced dead. Mum was on the phone with Wak Anah and it was really coincidental. Wak Anah actually wanted mum to visit Atuk for a while because it seemed that he was "critical". When Wak Anah walked in the ward, he left. And this all happened during that phone call.

I was fiddling around with Macky, usual routine of brainstorming what to blog about when Mum came in the room with the news. I was speechless, but it lasted for a while. I quickly typed out yesterday's post, got dressed and got out.

When we reached the hospital, they had already covered Atuk with the white cloth. You can imagine the waterworks from my uncles and aunts. It was just sad, really. As I looked around the ward, somehow, many beds were empty right before Atuk's death. I looked at him as they lifted the cloth that covered his face. Right then I realised this was real, he really was gone.

Eventually, they brought his body to the Last Office. It's basically a room of which only a bed could fit and a few seats availiable. Some read verses of the Quran, some just kept to themselves. I just needed time to pull myself together. I didn't really know whether to cry or to just stay composed and compose others instead.

Everyone was crying when the porter pushed his bed out of the room. I didn't really know what to feel. I felt rather numb because I was prepared for his death; I told myself that it was indeed his time to go. However, I felt rather sad; he was my last grandfather.

I just didn't know what to do.

This morning it was somehow a new experience. We had to clean Atuk's body. His so called, "last shower" and we had to throughly clean his body. It was really an eye opening experience. (I apologise, I really don't know how to describe this phase.)

When the shower was done, we had to "put his clothes on" for him and then brought him out to the living room (no pun intended, of course, hehe) and Hamid had already arrived. (Yeah, he actually came! Thanks bro!) This was when the water started to flow. We had to bid our goodbyes to him and we have to spread this sort of powder around his head and kiss him on his forehead.

I read the Al-Fatihah and said to him, "when you go to Heaven, I hope you will be with Grandma. Don't forget us, okay?" Followed with a kiss on his forehead.

Then I started to tear up. This followed with a prayer session for him and after which we boarded the bus to send him to the cemetry.

I sat with Hamid on the bus and stayed positive. Haizal and Iman entertained us both; those naughty little boys. HAHA. Put a smile on my face every time.

When we reached the cemetery, the layout was so different. All of the corpses were stacked on each other. It was really scary. (When you visit the cemetery, check it out. Its really weird.) And there were more prayers said for him, and then when it was time to leave, it was hard to say goodbye.

I reached in and said, "on behalf of me, my sister, my mother and my father, thank you for taking care of us. Now go take care of yourself. Don't be scared of what's to come."

Then we left. Sis was crying her eyes out, along with my cousins Khir and Rizal. I told them to just walk away because if they stayed, they won't leave. Kak Sophie echoed, "Don't look back. Just go."

I was happy that perhaps he's at a better place now. I did my photography assignment for Visual Literacy on the bus ride home. Talk about multi-tasking. All to... I guess, distract myself.

How appropriate, the song that is playing this second.


P/S: sorry for such a long post!
P/P/S: Thanks a million for all the prayers.

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Now playing: Katy Perry - Thinking of You
via FoxyTunes

Labels: Family

My grandfather has left the world.

Thank you for the many prayers. I'll leave for the hospital now.

Labels: Family

I spent quite sometime alone with Atuk today and I kept talking to him even though I know he isn't responding. Even though he might be asleep, I still talked to him. Reminiscing about the old times when I lived with him. Ahh, it was somehow magical despite no response.

Then I ran off somewhere for even more alone time to reflect on the things/people around me, myself and about the person I have become in the past few months. I just wrote a letter, and I'll just highlight some of the parts. Note that the letter was not thought through and it was very spontaneous. Random too.

Dug deep within myself and I realize the self-pity that I have shown, the low confidence in my true being; all because of you. I can never be what I desire. Even if what I want to be isn’t what you are looking for.

The distressful tribulations that I have picked up have driven me insane. From the symptoms of you to the depths of my loneliness, I realized I haven’t grown that much.

I just pity myself too much but at least now I no longer mourn the loss of you.

Even with all this, I can't be too preoccupied with my own worries and problems. I have a very sickly grandfather stuck in hospital to care about. It has come to the extent that this is the first time since last Saturday that I had home cooked food. That's how much I'm less at home now.

I guess Atuk is more or less the reason that I've forgotten about most of my personal problems and to concentrate on him instead. Apparently, his children (my uncles and aunties) have been called down by the doctor tomorrow for a meeting.

You can say I'm rather cynical and that I don't accept people saying, "your grandfather will recover/be alright" because I really cannot succumb to what could bes. I don't want to believe what hasn't happened but again, I'll say it, I'm mentally prepared for the worst.




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Now playing: Michelle Williams - Hello Heartbreak
via FoxyTunes

Labels: Family, Personal

Apologies for not updating often. I walk in and out of the hospital almost everyday and by the time I get online, it's past midnight. This is like one of the few times I'm back home early.

I can't say Atuk is doing well, because he isn't. He has some sort of infection affecting his right side of the body. It originated from his hands. Then it spread down to his leg. Now his ear is affected.

He doesn't respond any longer but still breathing. Let's just say, even though I've hoped for the best, it seems that his time is near. It is coming and well, I'm mentally prepared for the worst.

I took some time off from school work and the hospital today to go out with Faiz and Aini for shopping and lunch. I've bought a top and it's hot. I'll wear it on Monday for school. YEAH!

Anyway, we met up at McDonalds in my neighbourhood and quite frankly, I'm proud. For the past few times I went out with them, I was first! YES! Can you believe it? And they say I'm always the diva that comes half-an-hour late. TSK!


We headed for Tampines first and went to BHG. I had to withdraw some money and wanted to withdraw $30. Accidentally, I pressed $300. Thankfully, I only spent $50 in total today. See, I can control my money.


I bought a top at Kickers that I absolutely love. I so want to reserve it until I wear it in public laa! LOL. BTW, check out Aini's new hairstyle. It's super hotness and it is somewhat my creation. CHEYY.

Aini and Faiz were the heavyweights. They shopped a lot. Even after having lunch at Capitol Building, they were still shopping at Marina Square. Perusing in and out of TopMan and Zara, I started to feel a bit empty, but I know I can't spend anymore money! TOO MUCH!

So all in all, I loved the fact that I bought myself a very nice polo-t with nice designs on it. Nothing ah-beng-ish, it's just Zul. Cheyy.



We eventually split ways and I headed back to the hospital. I'm just sad, but again, I'm mentally prepared for the worst.

Thanks for the very nice comments everyone. They made my day. Really.


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Now playing: Panic at the Disco - Nine in the Afternoon
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Labels: Camwhoring, Family, Friends, Shopping

Before I start today's post, (I was supposed to update this yesterday but I dozed off while working on my Visual Literacy project and came to at 5 am.) Happy Belated Chelle! :D

Hey lil'sis! Don't go crazy yet! You know your ass ain't eighteen!

I won't be updating on this even but you can check out her blog. Go click on her face on the side bar!

Also, Fariza bought me something special; unavailable in Singapore, it's these flip-flops! I LOVE FARIZA! I saw it on Song Yan back at the airport in April and threatened to cut his feet off for thse flip-flops! Now I don't have to!

Fariza thought I would scream if I found out she got me these. You all can tell she wasn't wrong.

On a sadder note, Granddad is not doing fine at all. He's... Sadly, deteriorating. I know it's a matter of time, I don't know when, but I have to cancel all outings for this week. I might try my best to make for some, but Friday is simply impossible. I'll go prayers, finish up some work and go straight to the hospital.

Sorry Nazri. :(

Anyway, please do keep him in your prayers okay? :)

Labels: Dedication, Family, Friends, Personal

Life takes an unexpected turn when you don't pay attention to it. However, when you do, the situation changes and everything can change for the better. Hey, it's possible.

My family and I visited Atuk at the hospital. Today was most emotional because Atuk responded to what we were saying. It might take a while for us to grasp what he is trying to convey, but yeah, we still got it. Atuk is now mute because of his stroke. He does make noises but not so much. He relies on his only functional hand, his left, to use hand signals to talk to us.

For example Kak Sophie told Atuk that if she read the verses of the Quran wrongly that he should scold her. She started reading and after a few lines, Atuk shook her hand. Every time she read it wrongly, he shook her hand. Not convinced?

My mummy, sis and I were last to leave. Everyone left an hour earlier and we kept him company. When it was about 10pm, we bid our goodbyes. I packed Macky in my bag, Sis already grabbed her bucket bag and Mum was waiting for us quite a distance. Then Atuk lifted his hand, showing the number one. We all came back, we knew he meant something, but what? Mum sat once again next to him and he put his hand back down. Mum is now staying over with him at the hospital.

He really didn't want to be left alone.

I can understand. Nobody ever wants to be lonely.

And its serious this time. His right hand is swollen and has blisters. Now it has spreaded to his right leg. Apparently, he has some sort of an infection in his blood. Doctors say that he might have lung infection and that his kidney is failing. I hope for the best but I shall be realistic.

Let's just say, after the doctor said that the family, "should have a discussion about what should be done for Atuk," it hit me that perhaps his time is coming. I don't want Atuk to live and die slowly. It's too painful but at the same time, one has to remain strong and positive.

One of my aunts, Wak Anah, said that someone she knows has been in the same condition as Atuk for ten years already. As human beings, we all think that this person suffered for ten years, but if you look at a religious sense, this person has never committed sins for ten years. Do you think he deserves a ticket straight to heaven?

Well, I think so.

This whole situation has made me think about myself, perhaps I should really jolt back up about reading the Quran once again. Atuk gave me one of his Qurans years back. I've still yet to complete reading it but for now, I think I want to get the English version; to at least understand it before I start reading the one in Arabic.

This time his condition is really serious. I want to be there with him everyday.

It hurts to have to see him like that, but it hurts even more to be in his shoes. I try to stay positive every time. I'm one of those few who barely cry when visiting him because to me, it is of no use. Just give him some prayers, keep him company, I think that's good enough. Crying just tires one out.

It's just that I couldn't bare to say goodbye to him earlier today after Mum agreed to stay for the night.

"Atuk, sorry okay? We have to go home now. Sis and I promise to visit you tomorrow. So promise that you will wait for us, okay?"

And I started to tear up. It wasn't like a strong one though. I gave him a kiss on his forehead and pulled Sis away, knowing that she will not leave if we stayed any longer.

How can I not tear up? Mr Sulaiman took care of me for years while I was a kid.

Please try to keep him in your prayers.

Loves.


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Now playing: Robyn - Eclipse
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Labels: Family

Granddad checked out of hospital sometime last week. He fell unconscious today and is now "not in very good shape." Now's he's warded in the hospital again

Keep him in your prayers, please?

Thank you. And I apologise in advance if I update less in these few days.

Labels: Family

I can't update much tonight but I had a great time today with Amber and Hamid and later at night with See Kai harmonising and eating/pretending to puke at Secret Recipe. Don't ask me how much I spent.

I returned home with a surprise, my cousins were there! And baby Iman who's in nursery (or kinderagarten) who is super bright decided to sing songs for you all! (After some persuasion of course!)

Labels: Family, YouTube