The start of a new semester scares me a little. The holidays were long and I wasn't in close proximity to datelines. The sudden realization that certain assignments are due in a week scares me though I should be prepared, this isn't my first day of poly, but just the first day of a new semester.

Insecurities still flood my mind. The trust between two friends, the feeling of loneliness within self (despite the many others that throng amongst you) and last but not the least, the visual aesthetics of myself.

I've an issue circling my head like how that moth that stays in your house that watches you sleep or the rapid growth of ants irritate your basic living style at home. It's when you trust your friend with something; then he breaks it. Or even worst, losing it.

While most argue one should just overlook the matter, I can't help but think both items that were entrusted with were irreplaceable; when you only borrow when you can trust. Being me, I'm very forgiving yet I would always have my doubts. I don't know what to call it, but contradiction might fit.

I've lost several items and true enough, the fault is mine; I'm too trusting. Personally I feel that basic responsibilities of borrowing is that you return. It might be late, early or on time, but the bottom line is that you return. My mum always say, "You need a system. After taking, return to the right place," and, "If you break it, at least don't wait till the last minute to tell me so."

And I learned both advices the hard way, nonetheless. I don't want the constant repetition of the problem yet I can't help it but expect that he would be better the next time. I can't help but be evasive and shrug at the thought of disappointment staring me at the face.

I trust my friends but I think it gets a little too far once things are broken or misplaced. Cherish, priceless items at that.

I can't seem to talk to him in person about this mainly because I don't want him staring back at me with disappointment. I have trust issues, major. It's like once you break the trust, you get chances but when the chances are spoiled, I can't help but look the other way.

I love my friends, it's just that I don't want to be disappointed again. And again.

Next in question is my independence. Though it doesn't scare me any more that I don't have any relationship issues; in short, I don't like anyone, it does scare me that I spend my late afternoons alone now.

Well, I have been, anyway.

The thought of used to having someone literally hold hand you all the way, to teach you the ropes and trying out different routines with a safety net was nice, but now that I'm more or less on my own way to make my own mistakes once again...

It feels new.

It feels refreshing.

It feels weird.

Though I must constantly argue with myself that the new shred of skin with independence is a bonus and as-a-matter-of-factly speaking, très bien, I do want to be alone in that sense, you know.

I just have to dig deeper within myself and do some more reflection about this matter. To be honest, I don't if it's a matter of being independent of finding someone as good as the last one. I'm such a mess.

Simply put, "how do I get better once I had the best?"

How do you get better? Do you just go with anyone or you try harder? All this questions and yet no answer. God, am I confusing myself?

The gasping of air for experimentation of looks is killing me. Constantly at that. Today I experimented my look with a plain purple t-shirt, polka dotted bag and the shoe that I designed and with that, complemented with grey shorts and geek chic glasses.

Though it has me believe that my style will constantly change and evolve, I can't help but notice the looks that I get when I dress up to express myself or just go crazy. People seem to not notice, or at least be okay with, "normal slacker" look.

If I dress like a slacker, people would pass as they look and just say, "does he have any friends?" But when you do try to dress up, the expletives will fly out of their mouths. Somehow looking nice for yourself is not acceptable if you don't look like others.

Eww. I shrivel at the thought of looking like someone else. It's disgusting. I just want to experiment my different looks and especially when you're in Poly, the best way to express yourself without speaking is what you put on your body.

So to those that think I dress crazily, you're right. I do dress that way. Nothing too outlandish, but something I deem classy is good enough for me.

I know, digressions are plenty, but I think I'm pretty clear on the three topics I'm talking about. LOL

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Labels: Friends, Love, Personal