You know those kind of promises you make to your friends, then somehow along the way they go against their own word and start doing something you don't like. And because you know you did the same thing in the past, you accepted what they did was a mistake and that they're just human beings.

Okay, let me give a clear example.

Let's say, my friend, Sheila always believed she would never touch a cigarette. Then all of a sudden, she tries smoking because of her other friends that smokes as well. She initially doesn't play the monkey game but decided to give it a try. As a friend, I think she's hooked.

However, I did try a cigarette once. I stopped, never again did I get another stick. Knowing that I myself went against my own word and got a puff, I granted her act as an act of human nature, simply put, the fast and the curious.

However, I still can't accept the fact that she did it. Mainly because I didn't want her to make the same mistake as I did.

So at the end of the day, does that make me a hypocrite?

I really care for Sheila a lot, and sometimes, she's like a baby sister to me, but how would I know her games of curiousity does not turn into boxes of cigarettes in her purse?

I didn't smoke a cigarette for so long and I know I'm not hooked, perhaps its possible for her. But I really can't accept the fact that she smokes; she's my little sister.

I want to tell her to stop, but the girl's eighteen already, she pretty much can buy a box on her own and the stallholder won't even ask for her identification card. And technically, she is legal.

I just have so much to say to her but I just can't collect the words to say it, and to tell it to her straight. I'm not blaming her friends, considering the fact that they're just minding their business, and I can't blame her because she's growing up, becoming more curious.

Should I blame myself for not being there?

I feel awful now, I really do.

I guess people change. I now wonder. Did I stay the same? Or have I changed as well?

I don't think I've changed in terms of my personality but somehow, being in an environment where you feel you have to impress everyone everyday (i.e. Poly), makes me feel very...

How can I subtly put it...

Esteem. Less.

I miss the old times whereby you don't need to impress anyone (i.e. Uniform) except for shoes and bags (and of course, the occasional crazy hair). Somehow it's different this time.

You have to have the perfect body, the likeable attitude, the trendy hairstyle, the latest kicks.

I can't keep up. My body is in a horrible shape (yes, I am working tres hard on it), I've been accused of being overly stuck up and bossy, my hair used to be the Night Safari and my shoes are on rotation.

I used to feel alright with my shortcomings. Not complacent, just contented.

But now it's like I have to work harder everyday to keep up with everyone around me and that's when I realised.

I forgot who I am and started to think about what other people are looking at.

I lost me.

And somehow the chase of having someone to meet up after class, or the thought of embracing someone who you sends home at night or even the fact you're stuffing someone's face with chocolate ice cream makes you feel...

Small.

Because you don't have what your heart desires.

And when you realise you don't have so many things...

It makes you feel... Complacent. No longer contented.

I don't care about the amazing parties at Zouk or the crazy nights at Esplanade getting high. Because somehow, somewhere along the way, I lost myself. The person that I see in the mirror isn't me.

This isn't the person I want to be. This is how I know I changed. I'm no longer happy with the little things. I just want more, more and more.

I have got to sort myself out.

Comment questions of the day:
1) Do you think its hypocrisy to stop someone from doing something you USED to do?
2) Who should I really blame? The peer pressure to fit in, Sheila herself or me (as I am the friend that was not there to protect her)
3) Do you think I've changed? Friends, you should be honest, and those who just read my blog, what do you think?
4) Am I crazy to have thoughts like this (about myself and my friend)?

Editor's note: I really don't see myself in the mirror anymore, and it scares me. Of course, I'm not talking about physically, but spiritually. My personality is gone, my cheerfulness is gone and my attitude, is somewhere in Pluto's orbit.

BTW, 2 down, 28 to go.

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Labels: Deep Thoughts, Friends, Personal