Waiting for your...
call; I'm sick.
call; I'm angry.
call; I'm desperate for your voice.
Listening to the song we used to sing.

And I used to feel that way. Sometimes nowadays, I still do. The reason why I moved on so fast was because, for one thing, I didn't stay around too long hoping things would happen for the both of us, even though I wanted it to. However, through it all, I managed to just see what was most important to me.

Me.

Not you, but me. Not to sound like a conceited brat, but I appreciate the times when you were there to pick up my calls, to listen to me rant and all those nonsensical things I wish I still could do with you today, but your absence taught me how to be independent. I don't need you to tell me how I should feel and I most definitely don't need you to tell me what I should do. You taught me all that without even teaching me anything.

Still, credit goes to you. And no, I'm not being sarcastically bitchy either. I mean it.

Quite frankly, the reason why I'm not speaking to you is because for whatever that happened to you, all you had to do was tell me why you couldn't meet up with me. For whatever that happened, there has got to be a reason. This is not the first, but the fourth time. Every time, I've tried my hardest to believe, but now, tell me.

Was it all just a lie?

To bring me up and cut me down like something that doesn't even matter?

Now, I question your true feelings towards me. Am I someone you cherish with all your heart like you said you did or just a punching bag that you leave here to collect dust, only to clear it when you need it? Tell me.

If its the latter, then I'm disappointed with you.

If its the prior, then why must you go hiding? Why must 'coincidentally' something happen when I wish to just spend time with you? "Oh, dropped my phone in the tub.", "Casted ankle." Why is it that something so unexpected only happen when something expected should happen?

I'm not asking that you fall in love; nor am I asking you to do anything much. The basis of it all was to spend time with you. Was it too much to ask?

What's wrong with you, honestly? I've been 100% genuine from the start and it's like you truly take me for a ride. The ride was a roller coaster. I enjoyed every moment of it, the helix, the loop, all that.

But why a ride when you could have just been honest.

You take pride in being honest. Especially when I just keep something to myself; which is minor by the way, and you take it personally? Guilt befallen upon me and I tried everything to make things right.

Right now, I just am in a state of confusion. You haven't spoken to me for almost a week now - it's fine. I am still living, surprisingly and honestly, I'm doing great (not because of your absence but) because of the things that are happening in my life right now, I try to make it the best out of everything, if possible.

You're gonna hate me for saying, but like you said yourself, 'you'd rather honesty than hypocrisy'. So tell me.

Is it coincidence that you can't call me to tell me that you 'can't make it'? Or why do 'stuff' happens when I just want to spend some time with you? Or that I think you're not honest about yourself?

If you take pride in being honest, like you said you do, then tell me.

If not then just keep silent, as per normal, like you usually do; till someone between the two of us breaks the ice once again.

I hope you do know that whatever I've said to you in the past and right now, on this post, is genuine, straight from the heart. I've lost hope in a lot of people and for some reason (of which only God knows,) I still have hope AND faith in you.

Don't let me down. Prove that you are true to yourself and me. Prove that you whatever you've said, how much you cherish the friendship between us is indeed true and not a big fuckery.

For the first time ever, I don't feel stupid because I still believe in someone who let me down. However, if things do fail for me, it's okay. I now have a backup plan for everything. It doesn't matter because I won't be let down twice. Even with hope and faith, I'm still prepared for the worst.

I was born to tell you 'I love you' and quite frankly, I still do. Not to the extent of wanting to be with you but I still cherish you a lot. When I listen to "Your Call", the song of which you sent me, I still feel the chills that run down my spine, how almost every word relates to whatever I felt then.

I finally see daylight but shadows of you still linger. If the shadows are depictions of what is real, from the heart and soul and not ghosts that haunt me, prove it.

You were more than a best friend, and at one point in time, you were more than everything. God knows I want you to read this. Just know I still care, okay?

Oh and apparently, sending you Betty's wasn't a chore. It was just so you could enjoy. I don't need anything in return for that.

Yes, I know I digressed a million times in this post but digression for me seems to be the best way to strip my heart into tiny obvious pieces so that every part of how I feel is portrayed here for you to understand.

Takes two hands to clap and God knows I've been doing my best. Where's your part? And I think I should click the 'Publish Post' button now. I've said too much already.

Labels: Deep Thoughts, Friends, Personal